An Open Letter To Paris Hilton

What’s it going to take for you to go away? Do you not realize that you have no talents other than being an STD dumpster? I know you are the heiress to the Hilton hotel fortune and all, but there are plenty of other wealthy American industrialist trust fund children out there that we know nothing about and care to know nothing about. Lets think this through, shall we? If you continue through life with your current popularity rating (taking into account you will not overdose on coke or die from starvation by age forty) you will become addicted to plastic surgery after your youthful glow disappears and your skin starts looking like an old catcher’s mitt from years spent in tanning beds, you will suck down vodka and pills for breakfast and give weekly interviews to Diane Sawyer and People magazine discussing your heroic struggles with an eating disorder and substance abuse. Do we really need that from you, Paris Hilton? Blubbering confessions in tabloid media from an aging barfly with the propensity to shoot a night vision sex video when stoned to the gills? Talk about a fucking nightmare.

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