Why Graphic Designers Suck

Nothing irritates me more than when women’s nipples are airbrushed out of photographs. Most major men’s magazines (that are not porn) are guilty of this offense (an offense, in my opinion, that should be punishable by death. Preferably a death where fire ants eat a person alive from the inside out.) America is sexually repressed. Women have tits and I want to see them poking through a tight sweater, a spandex body suit or a tiny bikini top. Even Angelina Jolie’s nipples agree with me on this one.

Continue Reading

Iraq Wartime Propaganda Fun!

Iraqi citizens and United States soldiers are currently “toppling” an enormous statute of Saddam Hussein in Baghdad. It took all of three weeks for coalition forces to race across Iraq and roll into the capital city. A temporary interim government will be established eventually making way for an unstable Arab democratic regime friendly to Western economic interests. Those who support the war will have an orgy freedom fest and non-war activists will go on harboring the delusion that their objections will be listened to by their government. A coworker of mine compared the liberation of Baghdad to the fall of the Berlin Wall. I reminded her of the financial support, weapons and chemicals the United States gave Saddam Hussein over the past few decades and of the activities a unified Germany accomplished in the past ninety years (read: World War I and World War II). Sigh. Just another day in the life of an armchair anarchist.

Continue Reading

California: Bloodsucking Parasites

Today Colorado is getting a light dusting of snow (a subtle amount added upon the foot or so of blizzard remaining from last week). This means that Coloradans will be saying annoying shit like, “We need the snow” when engaging in small talk. We are in the midst of a drought, you see, and water levels are low due to the past few mild winters and lackluster spring runoffs. Colorado water levels are also low because of states like California. The Colorado River basin provides water to over twenty five million people, sixteen million living in California alone. I say we dam up the rivers and horde our crisp, refreshing, life-giving Rocky Mountain juice. If Californians want some water, let them boil the ocean. In conclusion, fuck you, California.

Continue Reading

Gulf War, Part Deux

I have accepted the fact that America will be going to war with Iraq (again). In my opinion, a policy of preemptive action is just a thinly veiled smokescreen (especially when North Korea, Iran and Pakistan continue to develop nuclear weapons) for the real reason the United States wants to invade; to establish a puppet government in an oil rich Arab nation that is friendly to American economic interests. As I write this, troops are deploying in the Middle East to support the campaign. Although a shot in anger has yet to be fired, Iraqi soldiers are already surrendering.

Continue Reading

Choose Death

I am pro-choice and support the death penalty, so I am down with killing criminals and partially developed fetuses. I choose death. Many individuals that are pro-life view existence as precious and believe in a Calvinistic doctrine of predestination. Whatever our beliefs are, in this case and with the benefit of hindsight, I think most Americans would have been handing this would be mother a coat hanger.

Continue Reading

Pirate Mascot Showdown

Being a Denver native, there was nothing I loved more than watching the Oakland Raiders getting their collective asses handed to them in Super Bowl XXXVII. The Oakland Raiders organization and their fans are scum of the earth and second only to Texans on the bottom of the American evolutionary scale. Football fans who wear metallic spiked shoulder pads, Darth Vader helmets and grenade bandoleers, call their stadium the Black Hole, throw batteries at opposing teams and beat their children do not deserve to win a world championship; they deserve a trip to prison to be somebody’s bitch.

Continue Reading

May The South Never Rise Again

Trent Lott recently praised Strom Thurmond’s 1948 run as a Dixiecrat and today is resigning over his racist, backwoods comments. I guess white southern politicians do not remember losing the Civil War. Christ. Get off your sisters, spit the chewing tobacco out of your mouth, peel the Confederate flag stickers off of your pickup trucks equipped with gun racks and join the rest of America living in the 21st century.

Continue Reading

Fuel Economy For Jesus

Here is a list of things that when combined, produce a terrible result:

For the record, I think Jesus would drive a used Honda Accord. No rims and nothing all that flashy. Just something with low miles that is reliable, gets good gas mileage and gets the Son of God around town.

Continue Reading

Jesus, PETA Do Not Dig On Swine

Bacon is an amazing greasy and crispy treat that makes life worth living. I love eating bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches, bacon strips and steaks wrapped in bacon. Apparently, Jesus and PETA do not want me to eat bacon. I urge PETA to quit influencing the Lord in order to make one feel guilty about their bacon consumption. PETA should eat their bean sprouts and tofu, help the asexual panda copulate, finger-bang a vegan and save the world in silence and peace. I did not get to the top of the food chain to gnaw on grass, leaves and berries. Our species has survived eons on this planet by jabbing a giant, meaty animal with a spear and eating the fuck out of it. I understand PETA’s stance; they want animals to be treated with dignity and respect. Until humans start treating each other that way, however, cows are baseball mitts and pigs are lunch.

Continue Reading

Signs, Signs

Despite the objections of the Five Man Electrical Band and Tesla, signs seem to work. When most see a No Smoking sign they abstain from lighting up a dirt stick. Most people will not park next to a No Parking sign. Society tends to obey signs. In Santa Cruz, the Deputy District Attorney ordered all dumpsters be adorned with the sticker No Baby Dumping in hopes that it will discourage reluctant mothers from throwing their babies away. I think this is a good idea and hope it works. If we see a decrease in dumpster babies we should try signs like Absolutely No Murder. Or Gang Rape Strictly Prohibited. Or Do Not Masturbate On The Dairy Products. Why not try it out? My junior high school gym teacher once said that it never hurts to try. Of course, he liked to watch us shower after class but that is not the point. The point is signs work.

Continue Reading