Rules For My *Born Son

I must own this book and pass on its wisdom to the boy. Here are some of my favorites maxims with comments directed at my infant son as if he were an adult with the ability to reason:

  • Surround Yourself With Smart People. You are who you hang out with. Your friends will expect you to do what they are doing alongside them. Smart people expect you to be intelligent and well read. Drug addicts expect you to pass the Guns N’ Roses coke mirror you won at the carnival balloon-dart game after snorting a line.
  • It Is Not A Gang Without The Cool Girl. Be sure to always have at least one cool girl in your inner-circle of friends (bonus if she is hot). She can provide invaluable feminine perspective and is bound to bring around other cool girls. You may even marry her someday.
  • Ask Your Mother To Dance. There is no better way to make your mother’s night then taking her for a spin around the dance floor and acting like it is fun and not a chore. You will do this and you will like it.
  • Do Not Get All Fancy About Your Beer Or Coffee. Coffee? Black. Beer? Yes, please. It is as simple as that.
  • Do Not Have A Girlfriend In College. Think of all the awesome shenanigans you can get into while attending college. Now think about doing them while maintaining a steady relationship with an average looking girl that you met in the first week of your freshman year.
  • Never Sit Down On A Ball Field. Take A Knee. You do not sit down on a sports field unless you are severed at the torso and have no legs. Even then, you still take a stump.
  • Always Meet Your Date At The Door. Do not be the dickhead honking the horn in the driveway. Go up to the door and ring the bell. Doing this affords you the opportunity to open the car door for her as well. Double the points, my son.
  • Yes Ma’am. No Sir. No Exceptions. People that are older than you are always sir or ma’am. Even if your friends parents tell you to call them by name you still call them sir or ma’am.
  • Try To Lose The Adverbs. Nothing illustrates how weak your vocabulary is more than an adverb. You are not very tired. You are exhausted. You are not extremely happy. You are ecstatic.
  • Keep Your Word. Even the over-consumption of liquor does not excuse you from this one. If you tell someone you will do something, you do it.
  • If You Are Good At Something, Never Do It For Free. Excluding sex, masturbating and murder.
  • Walk It Off. This philosophy that can be applied to many situations including electrocution, being on fire and venereal diseases.
  • Never Be Afraid To Ask Out The Best Looking Girl In The Room. Be fearless. What is the worst that can happen? She says no and you call her a lesbian? You are still in the same position you were in when you walked into the room.
  • You Do Not Get To Choose Your Own Nickname. You are luckier than most as you have a sweet last name that can be shortened to “Broz” or “Brozo.” Even so, you do not ask anyone to call you this. They must do it of their own accord.
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RIP Kurt Vonnegut

Kurt Vonnegut died late last in Manhattan. He was 84. He is one of my favorite writers and I know the world will miss him. He witnessed the firebombing of Dresden firsthand and based parts of his most famous work Slaughterhouse-Five on the experience. He wrote many books, but in my opinion, A Man Without A Country was one of his best. He ends the book with this fitting poem:

When the last living thing
has died on account of us,
how poetical it would be
if Earth could say,
in a voice floating up
from the floor
of the Grand Canyon,
“It is done.”
People did not like it here.

I’m sure Kurt is up in heaven now.

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One Foot In The Grave

This morning in the break room one of my 23 year-old coworkers was wearing a Catch 22 shirt. I remarked how I loved the book and her eyes got glassy like she just bonged a box of Franzia. She than sighed and said in the most demeaning tone, “Catch 22 is a band, Matt.” So now I am off to walk the mall in beige Velcro shoes, hit the early bird at the Sizzler and then fall asleep in the easy chair before dusk watching reruns of Matlock.

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Link Goodness

  • I was always under the impression that the worst mistake in the human race was Courtney Love. According to author Jared Diamond, it is the adoption of agriculture.
  • Fishermen in northern Thailand have caught the biggest catfish on record; a 646-pound monster. This story would have been more amazing if they noodled the son of a bitch.
  • A man was discovered in a tank under a women’s toilet filled with human waste peeping up at the girls doing their business. That is what I call a serious commitment to your wank.
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All Good Things Must Come To An End

I am living in the waning hours of my vacation and getting woozy from the giant swig of NyQuil I just took. The only good thing about having a cold is drinking all the delicious NyQuil. Last night, after whacking down some of the green goodness, I blacked out and came too sometime this morning in the exact position I fell asleep in. NyQuil also has my two favorite preservatives in it: propylene glycol and green #3.

I do not want to go back to work tomorrow. There are two things I learned during my time off:

  1. I would much rather be on vacation then work.
  2. The new He-Man on Cartoon Network kicks ass. Teela has been transformed into a cock-teasing whore in a cod piece.

My time off was productive. I completed a giant painting (three 4 foot by 2 foot canvases), re-caulked my shower, wasted many hours with She Who Will Not Be Named playing Dynasty Warriors 3, read The Jungle by Upton Sinclair and I took numerous power naps.

I am now prepared to trudge back into fluorescent-lit cubicle hell a weakened, husk of a man. In actuality, my job is great, I feel refreshed and I am grateful to have work in a down economy. I am just bitching because I will miss the time off watching He-Man cartoons.

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Survivor Island Erotica

I tuned into the first season of Survivor continually hoping it would go the way of Lord Of The Flies and contestants would kill the fat pasty guy and dance around a giant pigs head on a stick but alas, it was not to be. Network executives took the success of that show and saturated the viewing public with three more forgettable installments. The fifth season is set to kick off this September and with fledging ratings, this guy is bound to attract the viewers of his late night work on Skinemax.

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