Jackpot Ruination

Winning the lottery is sometimes the worst thing to happen to people. Take Kiddie Touchin’ McGee, for example. Despite claims he will donate a portion of his winnings to assorted sexual abuse charities, people are still beating him down with lead pipes and cola bottles. That is what I call some sound mob justice. Rotten has an excellent page on people whose lives were destroyed by the lottery and provides a guide on what to do if one were to win. The first rule about winning the lottery is you do not talk about winning the lottery.

Continue Reading

Thug Life

My sister has been working as a county social worker for the past decade. Yesterday she was at the jail administering a training class for fellow county employees. While walking through the intake area, a young woman called out to her from the holding cell. The young woman asked my sister her name, where she went to high school and if I was her brother. After answering yes to all the young woman’s queries, she blurts out, “Oh my god! I used to date your brother! Tell him I said hello!” Hello back at you, crazy drugged-up bitch I used to date in high school. Be sure to tell your Mom that she still owes me gas money for driving you to softball practice during the summer of 1994.

Continue Reading

Link Goodness

  • For those with an aversion to evacuating their bowels in the in the woods, I present you the shit box.
  • I like it when my pay-per-view smut is uncomplicated. This digital cable menu reminds me of my trip to Vegas when Wil and EZ were going through the Spank Vision listings. We stopped giggling like middle school girls huffing ether when we landed the she-male feature With or Without.
  • It has to be tough living in Alex P. Keaton’s shadow and all, but damn Andy, settle the fuck down. I long for the day when my friend working in the Boulder County DOC splits Andy Keaton’s skull with a nightstick for getting “mouthy” in lock up.
Continue Reading

Link Goodness

  • A multitasking rapist. I think rape etiquette should tell you to set a cell phone on ‘Airplane Mode’ or at least leave it in the getaway car.
  • A mutant skin disease from the Eastern bloc. I usually pride myself on sniffing out photo manipulation of any sort and this seems to be legit. The only red flag is Wikipedia not having an entry for Lewandowsky-Lutz Dysplasia.
  • Her boobs, her boobs, her boobs are okay. Her sweater puppies are beyond okay; they are fantastic.
Continue Reading

An Unemployed Artist’s Browser History

  • The sex trade is booming in post-Katrina New Orleans.
  • Face tattoos are the mark of the unstable, drug addicts, idiots or criminals that have nothing good to offer society. I present you Exhibit A.
  • Patricia Arquette spilling out of assorted items of dress.
  • Wikipedia for the Battle of the Trebia, the first major battle of the Second Punic War.
  • A teacher who worked in the public school system for two decades after she was caught kissing and groping a 13 year-old student at an middle school dance, became pregnant by a sophomore in high school who she married upon his graduation in 1985 and invited her teenage son’s 15 year-old friend to move in with her and then seduced him.
  • Map of US Fatalities in Iraq (by home of record).
Continue Reading

Getting Carded

If I could go back to college with the skills I acquired over my professional career, I would be making quality fake IDs and charging desperate underage drinkers $200 a smash for them (I would also be convincing more women to pose nude for me and explain that it was all for artistic purposes). In the mid to late 90s the internet was not as magical as it is today. You couldn’t just buy a fake ID with your parent’s credit card and have it over-nighted to you in time for weekend tavern revelries. No. Instead you had to pay some asshole stranger that smelled of cigarettes and claimed she was a born again Christian $40 to alter the dates on a good ID with improper fonts and colors and wait two months for it.

Continue Reading

Stripping Is Not A Crime

Twenty-five strippers and their respective mug shots. These dancing ladies of the evening were busted for all manner of illegal activities including cocaine peddling, prostitution, lewdness, exposure of sexual organs and the improper solicitation of alcohol sales. I respect the attitude of dancer number three, I appreciate the lifeless cocaine-addled eyes on dancers number six and fifteen and I am certain dancer number twenty one is smuggling plums. After browsing through this gallery, I think I would pay most of these women to keep their clothes on rather than take them off.

Continue Reading