Killing Me Softly

The California Supreme Court has rejected Tookie Willams, co-founder of the Crips, appeal for a stay of execution. The killing is set to take place tomorrow unless granted clemency Governor Schwarzenegger (insert bad “You’re fired” True Lies line here). Tookie maintains his innocence from the murder charges to this day. He also had a thing for the close contact shotgun action:

According to the forensic pathologist, Yen-I Yang suffered two shotgun wounds. One shotgun wound was to his left arm and abdomen. This wound shredded Yen-I’s left arm, fractured his ribs, and shattered his spleen, right kidney, bowel and large vessels. The other shotgun wound was to the lower left chest. This wound also fractured ribs and shattered the spleen, right kidney, bowel and large vessels. Moreover, a plastic shotgun shot container and associated wadding were recovered from the base of Yen-I’s liver. The pathologist further explained that both of the Yen-I Yang’s wounds were inflicted when the end of the muzzle was only feet from Yen-I’s body. Yee-Chen Lin was shot once in the upper left face area at a distance of a few feet. She was transported from the scene by paramedics to Centinela Hospital where she died at 7:36 am.

On a lighter note: Congratulations to my sister (and her husband) who successfully delivered a bouncing baby boy early Saturday morning. Tale of the tape: Caleb John; 7 pounds 13 ounces and 20 inches long. I cannot wait to give that kid scotch whiskey, dirty magazines and smokes for his sixth birthday. Maybe even a shotgun.

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Link Goodness

  • Carrot Top is shredded. Regardless if he is cut out of wood or not, he is still a closeted homosexual. He is wearing scary man mascara, for the love of baby Jesus.
  • An Australian model could face a maximum of 15 years in an Indonesian prison for being caught with ecstasy. Based on her picture, I would pay to see her in an Indonesian prison reality show. The program may only air for two hourlong episodes but it would be the best thing to happen to television since the moon landing.
  • After overhearing a conversation in the company break room, I thought a filmmaker had finally captured my dream on celluloid: a menage-a-trois sex scene involving bacon. I was disappointed upon learning that it was a menage-a-trois sex scene involving Kevin Bacon and another man. One dick in the room is one dick too many.
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Our Community Is United … Burn It Down!

After the Denver Broncos won Super Bowls XXXII and XXXIII, young fans under the influence of assorted chemicals draped in their John Elway and Terrell Davis jerseys took to the streets of Lower Downtown Denver and celebrated in their own special way. That special way included random acts of vandalism, tipping over parked cars, lighting shit on fire and punching each other in the face. It was a magical time that brought the community together. Fans in Boston have celebrated the Patriots Super Bowl XXXVIII victory in this same special way. I will put $20 that most of the revelers are named Sully and using the word “wicked” often in casual conversation.

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Ubiquitous Adbduction

The radio just announced an AMBER Alert informing listeners to be on the lookout for an abducted child and said child’s abductor; a Latino male, mid to late twenties, wearing jeans and a Denver Bronco shirt and driving a truck. That is not helpful information considering nearly one third of Colorado are Latino males in their mid to late twenties wearing Denver Bronco shirts and driving trucks. That poor kid is doomed unless the authorities get lucky. Here is to hoping they do.

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Contraband Panties

Thieves ganked five thousand dollars worth of panties at their local Victoria’s Secret. I like to imagine that five hot college coeds masterminded a plan to boost the panties because they were unable to afford them and then proceeded to put the stolen panties on back at their sorority house leading to an outrageous pillow fight that lowered their inhibitions and caused them to engage in lesbianism. In reality, a disgusting sex offender with bad acne and syphilis probably stole the panties so he could rub them on his face while he masturbated to videos of donkey porn.

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I Do Not Want To Be Anarchy

If you want to mess with criminals, lock them away in the prison designed by anarchists. Beds are placed at a twenty degree angle making them nearly impossible to sleep on, floors of the cells are scattered with bricks and other geometric blocks to prevent prisoners from walking around and the walls are curved and covered with mind-altering patterns of cubes, squares, straight lines and spirals which utilize tricks of color, perspective and scale to cause mental confusion and distress. To make the torture complete Kenny G is then piped in over loud speaker.

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