Me: Thanks for the Xmas card.
Tanya: You are welcome.
Me: I teared up a little because it was so nice.
Tanya: Teared up on the inside, right? Because tearing up on the outside would make you gay.
Me: Yes. I bury all my emotions deep inside because otherwise I would be gay. I would rather drink through my emotional issues and kill a kid in a crosswalk DUI style then talk about my feelings.
Tanya: Sounds like the manly thing to do.
Me: Go suck a bag of dicks. One by one. In order of smallest to largest.
Candee: So as I get tired of sucking dicks, the dicks keep getting bigger and bigger making it even more gay and more painful? Is the last one in that bag a real choker? Like Mike Tyson’s dick?
Me: Well, if it were Mike Tyson’s dick it would rape you and then beat your head in before you sucked it. I was thinking more along the lines of John Holmes‘s dick. It is enormous and then gives you AIDS when it is all over. Because that’s what you get for sucking a bag of dicks.
Watching the Winter Olympics for the past week has lead me to one undeniable truth: there is nothing more gay than single male figure skating. I do not deny the skill and hard work it must take to do all those tricks on ice, but an extravagant swan outfit? All I ask is that our diminutive homosexuals dressed as princess fairies are better at silly little ice spins than other country’s diminutive homosexuals dressed as princess fairies. Way to fuck that up, Johnny Weir.
The six gay penguins have shown no interest in their new female companions and remained faithful to each other. The zoo will now fly in fundamentalist Christian penguins to get the sexually deviant male penguins to repent, reproduce, and then live in an emotionally distant and sexless marriage with their female companions while engaging in some hot gay action on the side.
A zoo is flying in female penguins to tempt its male gay penguins to go straight. I give it a month before the female penguins turn into overweight fag-hags and swoon when the homosexual males chirp to them in their penguin tongue, “Girl, you are too good for him.”
Me: An idea that is right up your alley. Literally and figuratively.
Gay Joe: Or something.
Me: Fuck you, you silly little queer.
Gay Joe: Hey! I may be little and queer but I am not silly.
Gay Joe: Okay, maybe a little silly.
Me: I am surprised you have not faggoted up that cubicle with posters of Julie Andrews and the Depeche Mode.
Gay Joe: I have not done that because I am more of a dark fag.
Me: You are like the Darth Vader of the gay community. Or the grim reaper. Take your pick.
Gay Joe: Vader. He had a huge helmet.
Me: The grim reaper has that giant scythe though. You could do some cool gay shit with it.
Gay Joe: Well played.