Halloween Ideas That Humiliate Children, The Handicapped

I have to give credit where credit is due: this kid has a fantastic idea for a Halloween costume. He does not need a double amputee to pull it off, however. Roll behind a Kohl’s and look for some discarded mannequin parts in the dumpsters. Piece together a torso and some arms and legs. Pick up some gold spray paint and you have yourself a rudimentary (yet light) C3P0. Imagine the logistics of having a double amputee strapped to your back all night. What happens if you (or the amputee) has to take a shit? Even without legs I am assuming a double amputee weighs 75 pounds (if not more). That is a lot of weight to be huffing around sober let alone with your veins pumping Jack Daniels. What if there is a slut dressed as Slave Leia at the party? Are you prepared for that menage-a-trois?

I think my idea for a Halloween costume is better than what this kid is attempting to pull of, anyway. Me as the “host body” and my infant son strapped to my mid-section as the alien Kuato from the movie Total Recall. I may have to hold out until next year for when the boy is talking so he can quip “Open your mind” upon presentation.

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All Hallows Loneliness

We get an average of two trick-or-treaters when Halloween is upon our town home complex. Last night we got one; a youngster dressed as Death who got himself a handful of snack-sized Skittles. Halloween is much changed since I donned a costume. Parents did not drive their kids to go trick-or-treating. If you wanted the big candy payoff, you earned it by braving the elements (it is always fifteen degrees colder on All Hallows Eve in Colorado) and walking until your feet bled. You would come home sniffling and collapse from exhaustion, not caring when your Dad stole the Snickers from your sack in the middle of the night. Town home and apartment complexes were like money in the bank for trick-or-treating back then. An orgy of corn syrup, chocolate, caramel and preservatives awaited for a kid who was willing to rip off “Trick or treat” in rapid-fire succession. I thought that with the burned out unit, we would at least get some middle-schoolers around here playing Ouija and worshiping the devil. Nothing. The Wife clicked the front porch light off at 10:15pm and died a little on the inside.

“Doesn’t anyone want candy anymore, Matty?”
“I guess not, honey.”
“Hold me.”

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Halloween & Fright Related Browser History

  • Wikipedia for Halloween.
  • Halloween costumes for sluts. My personal favorites: Teacher’s Pet, Alice In Wonderland and herpes bear. Disturbing items: Homo-erotic Roman Warrior costume and the sexy plus-size costume section (note the complete lack of realistic models that could adorn the “three-man tent tarp” size). A note to sexy costume manufacturers everywhere: Your plus-size section should consist of one costume; a king-size white sheet with eye holes cut out labeled “Sexy Ghost That Eats Too Much.”
  • Anna Nicole Smith is facing the possibility of exhuming her son’s dead body.
  • Wikipedia for Samhain (the festival, not the bag of assholes band Glenn Danzig fronted after the dissolution of the Misfits).
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Halloween Link Goodness

  • A frightening haunted house. Frightening not because of superb effects and realistic horror scenarios but because it is operated by a registered sex offender.
  • Wikipedia for the man who killed Halloween. Thanks to this prick and the paranoia he caused, I did not have a Snickers bar until I was in junior high. My dad would “check” all of my candy post trick-or-treating and deem it safe for consumption. He would take all the Snickers bars out of my bag and say things like, “This one is no good, son. It is poisoned” or “You cannot eat this one. It looks like someone tampered with it.” These “tainted” candy bars then found their way into my Dad’s secret candy stash for him to enjoy periodically through out the year. Fuck you, Candyman.
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Are You Gonna Be My Gourd?

With Halloween a few weeks away, here are some helpful links on how to make a Doctor Octopus costume and a fake human head in a jar. Tomorrow the future wife and I are off to the pumpkin patch at Rock Creek Farm in Boulder County to partake in our annual tradition of collecting over-sized gourds and saying things like, “I like this one. It has a good shape and it looks like a squirrel has not chewed the fuck out of it.”

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Smashing Pumpkins

Saturday night my lady and I attended Nels and Kerry’s third annual pumpkin carving party. It was her first experience combining gourds, stabbing implements and hard alcohol. My pumpkin was voted best in party (The design on my jack-o-lantern can be seen at most truck stops across America). I was finished carving in fifteen minutes and left to drink hot cider laced with rum* while my lady worked her ass off implementing a creative idea she read about in a home living magazine. Many jack-o-lanterns looked far better than my own, but my victory is proof positive of one indisputable fact: sex sells.

* Hot cider and rum are a lethal combination. One has difficulty tasting rum in hot cider, so after drinking five or six cups, inebriation hits you like a pimp who has not received his cut of the money. At one point, I filled a standard twelve ounce plastic cup half full of rum and half full of cider. I gave the drink to my lady, who at the time was completely sober. She took one sip and said, “Did you put any rum in this? I do not taste anything.” Needless to say, we stumbled home from the party as if we had been drinking at a Kennedy compound mixer.

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The Weekend That Was

This weekend I played hours of GTA Vice City, got drunk wearing a super Afro wig to a Halloween party and participated in my semi-final playoff hockey game against the Husson Boys, Michael and Mark. Our team battled hard, but due to some late penalties, we came up short of the victory. Micahel and I used to play alongside each other during the early days of the Slashing Hyena Hockey Club. The Hyenas are currently embroiled in internal strife as four players are leaving to test the free agent market. I was recruited once again by the organization to play, but I am under contract with my new club for several more seasons.

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Halloween Link Goodness

  • Kids in the Denver metro area will be braving a cold Halloween night. I will refuse candy to a child if I see their parents dropping them off in a car. If these spoiled punks want sugar, they better be out in the elements with a pillowcase risking hypothermia, pneumonia and frostbite. I want kids half frozen at my front door with teeth chattering. Then and only then will I give them two mini-Reese’s Peanut Butter Sticks.
  • A Cheers for serial killers. Ted Bundy, one of the Hillside Stranglers and John Allen Muhammad have all spent nights at the draining cold ones.
  • Jam Master Jay was gunned down at his recording studio in Queens yesterday. Rest in Peace Jam Master Jay; the turntables might wobble but they won’t fall down.
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