On Friday, Mel Gibson was touched for a DUI and spouted off at arresting officers with an anti-Semitic, obscenity-laden tirade that would have made Heinrich Himmler blush. Gibson concluded the outburst by calling one female officer “sugar tits.” Well done, Mel. You just surpassed Ed Belfour for “Best Arrested Famous Person Intoxicated Shenanigans” (when Eddie was playing goal for the Dallas Stars police were called to a hotel room occupied by him and a women afraid of his drunkenness. He attempted to bribe the arresting officers with a billion dollars to let him walk). No report on whether or not Mel was sporting his excellent Saddam-In-Exile beard at the time of arrest.
- Meth addict attempts suicide via nail gun.
- A photo journey through the post-nuclear wasteland of the former Soviet Union. Inspired by the twenty-year anniversary of the Chernobyl disaster.
- In my life, I have found there to be only one indisputable truth: Journey’s Escape is the equivalent of musical panty remover.
Presidential diseases and ailments. It appears Jimmy Carter had the least health problems out of the bunch, whereas William Howard Taft was a walking time bomb.
- Bestiality is now illegal in Washington inspired by a pervert that was thankfully removed from the human gene pool by a giant horse cock.
- Skyscraper escape pods inspired by the the victims that plummeted to their deaths from the burning floors of the World Trade Center.
- A marriage contract inspired by a personality disorder.
- To say the Japanese are not fanatical about young girls underwear would be like saying the Nazis did not hate the Jews. Case and point: intricate fiberglass carved panties.
- Bolivian wrestling. Or Lucha Libre if you prefer.
- Ben Saunders: Athlete, adventurer, motivational speaker and attempting to make an 1800 mile trek across Antarctica with no dogs, vehicles, kites or re-suppling. There is a reason that man-hauling across the Antarctic continent has only been tried once in 93 years, it is called Robert Scott.
- May 19, 1536. The first public execution of an English queen; Anne Boleyn.
- May 19, 1890. Ho Chi Minh is born in central Vietnam.
- May 19, 1928. Pol Pot is born in French Indochina.
- May 19, 1992. Amy Fisher, age 17, shoots Mary Jo Buttafuoco in the face.
- May 19, 1994. Jackie Onassis dies of lymphatic cancer in her 15 room Manhattan apartment.
A new pope, Benedict XVI, has been chosen. In the Vatican, the former cardinal has been the driving force behind crackdowns on liberation theology, religious pluralism and challenges to traditional moral teachings on homosexuality and womens’ ordination. In short, the Church of Rome has just elected a right wing, stubborn old man who will probably yell at kids playing soccer in St. Peter’s Square and feed pigeons breadcrumbs laced with rat poison in order to “shut them up.” Pope Benedict XVI is exactly what the Catholic Church needs right now; a hard-line, unwavering traditionalist who will protect pedophile priests, maintain the misogynistic status quo in Catholicism and continue to condemn homosexuality and birth control. Benedict XVI also bears the distinct honor of being the only pontiff in history who was once a Hitler Youth.
Historic Papal Fun: Curious as to why popes chose new names for themselves during their Pontificate, I ran “pope” through Wikipedia. Not only did I learn about the naming process*, I boned up on sexually active popes, Antipopes, African popes and a period of Papal history known as Pornocracy, or Rule of the Harlots. Good times.
* Starting in 535 AD, the Pope has customarily chosen a new name for himself during his Pontificate. The names are not based on any system other than general honorifics and have been based on immediate predecessors, mentors and political similarity.
Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day. Instead of celebrating (read: laying on the couch, drinking beer and watching Black Caesar on the digital cable) the life of one of the most important leaders in American history, I had to work. We only get a day off at the office for important historical figures if they owned slaves.
Today marks the 63rd anniversary of the bombing of Pearl Harbor. My great uncle Al was in the harbor during the attack and survived. Most of his shipmates and friends died that day. He went on to serve on another battleship (the name of which escapes me but he eloquently called it “A goddamn tin can”), fought at Guadalcanal and witnessed the famous/bogus flag raising at Iwo Jima. Uncle Al never gave me lectures on freedom nor filled my head with idealistic notions of patriotism. The only advice he ever offered me was to appreciate every day and maintain a good sense of humor. Sound advice from a man with a half-naked hula girl tattooed on his forearm.
Forty-one years ago today, Lee Harvey Oswald “allegedly” assassinated JFK. Due to the magic of the internet, kids can now relive the moment by participating in an interactive reconstruction from the perspective of Oswald’s scope. Mafia/Communists/Government be damned!