- My pregnant wife has not taken her crazy hormonal levels out on me. Yet.
- My pregnant wife and unborn child are in good health.
- The 20 stupidest GI Joe vehicles ever.
- I am living the pants-free dream again and no longer working in Design Purgatory.
- My lower back is no longer destroyed.
- Learning about this before the wife dragged me to see Twilight tonight (yes, the crowd was rife with loser-tastic Emo kids. And for the love of God, Edward, just turn Bella into a vampire).
- Rachel Ray and Ann Coulter with be silenced through the month of December.
After two months of waiting/suffering, I finally got in to see the neurosurgeon to go over my MRI results. Why did it take two months, you ask? Welcome to the magical land of Kaiser Health Insurance. I was lucky that the technicians did not start throwing silverware and change near the magnetic field to see if something would stick during the scan. While the three weeks after my MRI in early December were brutal (my pain was easily a 9 out of 10), the beginning of January saw my body healing itself naturally. I was no longer popping anti-inflammatories like candy and I could actually get off the couch to participate in physical activities without being leveled for days afterwards. The neurosurgeon was a genial older woman with years of experience dealing with crippling injuries and miserable people. When going over my results, she said, “Wow. You do not do anything half way, do you?” She then called in another neurosurgeon to concur that my irritable L5 was one of the worst bulged discs she had ever seen. Luckily my back will require no surgery or painkillers going forward as my body has the super healing capabilities of Wolverine.
Now that the bulged disc is mostly healed, the sciatic nerve is growing less annoying by the day and my stupid injury is tolerating two league nights of ice hockey again, the wife and I decided to get back on the fitness train. For Xmas we bought ourselves a treadmill and are looking into a bench and dumbbell set (I am hoping some recently divorced father of three will be unloading a joint cheap on Craigslist because he is moving into a crappy one bedroom apartment due to crushing monthly alimony and child support payments). These fitness items all fit nicely into our unfinished basement. My goal is to be back in pristine condition for the 2008 Runnin’ Of The Green in the middle of March (Runnin’ Of The Green is a 7K road race through downtown Denver which features free beer and corned beef upon crossing the finish line. The Irish finally got something right).
On Monday we started a high-fiber, high-vitamin cleansing that has shaved four pounds off my middle and has seen feces flying from my ass faster than a midget being fired from a cannon (I tallied a lifetime record ten bowel movements today that were both refreshing and enjoyable). We finish said cleansing this Saturday when I will start eating solid food again in lieu of fitness shakes and health bars.
I recently learned that I have a herniated disc. I tweaked my back after a hockey game last November and have spent the last year in varying degrees of agony. Bouncing around jobs and health providers this past year has not helped the recovery process. Nor has sitting in front of the computer nine to ten hours a day designing websites. Nor has playing in three softball leagues, two hockey leagues, one kickball league and running in six road races. These past few days I have been laid up on the couch and experiencing excruciating pain when attempting to put socks on. I started physical therapy on Tuesday and have an appointment with a reputable chiropractor tomorrow afternoon. I will be taking it easy for the next few weeks whacked out of my skull on horse-grade anti-inflammatories and tall glasses of bourbon.
Last night I caught an episode of Trauma: Life in the ER on The Learning Channel. For those unfamiliar, the premise of the show document the events of an emergency room in a major metropolitan city. I have watched this show for about four years now and have seen some gruesome things. The worst stories thus far were a farmer who nearly dismembered himself with a wheat thresher and a trucker who legs were crushed under a semi-truck. Last night’s episode involved someone who was standing on a ladder to prune a trees, when he slipped, fell and landed on a pile of tree branches. One tree branch was standing vertical and found its way straight up his ass. The trauma team worked feverishly to pull four feet of tree branch out of this poor bastard. The guy survived, is walking a lot slower than before and now has a great story to tell at parties.