My Own Country

In my late teens I tattooed an anarchy symbol upon my person. It was a tattoo that I put little thought into and, at the time, was merely an extension of my love for all things punk rock. I had swallowed most everything whole up to that point in my life; America was the best country in the world, God was real and at work in our daily lives and that generally, humanity was kind and decent. The symbol (and the tattoo) became the first salvo in the undoing of my formidable years of indoctrination. It’s terrifying to realize (especially when you’re young) that the sacred things most people cherish are primarily smoke and mirrors. At the same time, its quite liberating to start living life on your own terms.

I see the world for what it is, not what I want it to be. I have come to one conclusion during my brief tenure on this planet: humanity is mostly awful. We are only as moral and as just as our options. We treat desperate and starving people with casual indifference. We kill each other over economics, ideology and the last piece of chicken. We elect demagouges as saviors and then expect them to do the right thing while we distract ourselves with another season of Game of Thrones.

Always remember others may hate you but those who hate you don’t win unless you hate them, and then you destroy yourself. -Richard Nixon

I am dumbfounded at how trusting people are of their “leaders” and how much they revere their institutions. It’s comforting to believe in something or take solace in the fact that that drug company has your best interest at heart. Therein lies the tragedy of the human condition.

Chaos and indifference can be entertaining. If nothing else, sitting atop this ash heap of history will be entertaining as shit.

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Holiday Bong Hits

Today hippies, burnouts, college students and losers everywhere will be motivated to do something other than playing Call of Duty Black Ops and running down to area convenience stores for Snapples and bags of Funyons. That something will entail joining mass demonstrations to show the world that smoking weed is totally awesome.

Colorado essentially decriminalized marijuana in 2005 and dispensaries have been opening up all over the state ever since. Some have clever names like “Health Joint” or “Green Room” while others have less imaginative monikers like “Marijuana Store” or “Pot Shop”.

I am indifferent about marijuana and could care less if people smoke it or not. I wish the government would just legalize it (and every other drug) and be done with it. Tax it, sell it and put that money to use somewhere else. Like my pocket.

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Obama Addresses West Point

Last night I actually watched the presidential address. It was not my fault. No decent hockey games were on, our DVR was empty and Jeopardy was not showing due to the speech. I will take “Apathetic American” for $400, Alex. Obama is a great orator. He is take your panties off smooth. I am so used to Bush tripping over words and fumbling around at the podium for the past eight years that it is refreshing. My love for Obama ends there, however. Aside from appreciating the historical context of his presidency, I think Obama is all spectacle, no substance. Case and point the public relations sweetness of giving a military-themed speech at West Point. Here is my rundown of what Obama said last night:

We are pulling out of Iraq and re-mobilizing to Afghanistan. This should excite you as I have talked with generals and advisers who told me this what we need to do. Here is an exact date of when I will bring home the troops. Yes, I think war is timed like a football game and America just entered the fourth quarter. Go Bears! Here is a comparison of me to FDR. Please ignore the irony that New Deal programs failed miserably and/or saddled future generations of Americans with the burden of contributing to programs that will go bankrupt in their lifetime (Social Security). Something about liberty. We like Muslims now. Support your troops. It is all Bush’s fault.

Who needs a drink? And some Obama Jesus gear? And some Hope Is Fading Fast gear?

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Link Goodness

  • Sarah Palin is MILF-tastic. I could care less about her politics or shitting developmentally disabled babies out of her old dried-up uterus when she has that slutty soccer mom thing working for her.
  • Foreign policy lessons for America from the Byzantine Empire. Very Art of War with guerrilla warfare sprinkles on top. I agree with most of these points, however, the United States has the tremendous advantage of geographic isolation which the Byzantine Empire did not. This means we can wage wars on six continents with a slim a chance of the conflicts spilling over into the Motherland. So unless we drop bombs on Canada or Mexico, I am guessing Americans will flourish historically a lot longer than the Byzantines.
  • The more I see of Ice-T’s wife Coco, the happier with him as a person I become. Continue to Peel Their Caps Back, good sir.
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Link Goodness

  • Olympic gender-bending scandals.
  • A history of modern art in three paragraphs. Marcel Duchamp did change art forever. As for the Dadaists being radically opposed to rational thought? That does not make them punk rock. It just makes them rebellious.
  • Ted Kennedy is sleeping with Jesus. It has been a bad month for the Kennedys. I think Dennis Leary had it right: “They shot JFK, they shot RFK and when it came down to Ted they just said, ‘Leave him be. He will fuck it all up on his own.'”
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Link Goodness

  • Elena Basescu, daughter of Romanian president Traian Basescu, looks like an Eastern-bloc Wynne Cooper, is running for European Parliament and likes to mount fallen horses to pose for pictures.
  • The saddest and happiest headstone I have ever seen.
  • The Sears Tower is getting renamed the Willis Tower. Nice work, Sears. I can just hear my dead grandfather Broz renouncing his brand loyalty to all Craftsmen products on the other side.
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Maybe We Can

As the liberal bumper stickers affixed to assorted Subaru Outback station wagons and Hybrid SUVs have reminded me (“1/19/2009! Let’s pull bong hits!“), today will be George W. Bush’s last day in office. Tomorrow, Barack Hussein Obama will be sworn in as the 44 president of the United States and be the first black man to attain the highest office in the land. I am/was no fan of Bush and I tend to sway right with my vote. His rule seemed reactionary rather than proactive and he and his administration ruined just about everything they came in contact with. Granted, his presidency was not as easy as Bill Clinton’s (A sex scandal and the dot com bubble. Anything else?), but many of his problems were self-induced. Terrible circumstances either makes for great leaders or break weak ones. Will history be kind to George W. Bush? Probably not. I am guessing he will go down as one of the worst presidents in history (move over Warren G. Harding!) a ranking that he has undoubtedly earned. Obama inherits two wars, a flopping economy and a national identity on the brink of oblivion. Good luck, Mr.Obama. May you be the savior your supporters are touting you as. Especially since your success will help me move some of that Obama Jesus gear on Cafe Press.

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Turkey Slaughterin’? You Betcha!

Americans all have their own traditions for the Thanksgiving holiday. The wife and I are usually run in the Turkey Trot pre-gluttony, but in lieu of her being with child, we are skipping this year and instead I am skating in an early morning ice hockey game at Denver University. We will then partake in two Thanksgiving meals; one at my parent’s house in the afternoon and one at the wife’s parents house in the evening. Sarah Palin, on the other hand, will have a quiet holiday at home, cooking a turkey for her husband and her children named after English towns. This will occur, of course, after some guy slaughters a turkey during her interview with a local television network. We are all different, yet we are all the same.

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At Least Its Not Hillary

For the first time in American history, a black man has been elected to the highest office in the land (and Colorado is a blue state now! Hooray?). Congratulations President-Elect Barack Obama; may your name and skin color piss off every Southern, backwoods redneck for the next four years. Obama has inherited a mess; the national debt, the mortgage bailout, the Iraq War, the Afghan War, education, health care, the lunatic fringe, etc. I do not like the idea of a welfare state, a national health care plan that I will never use but have to pay into regardless and punishing companies for making too much money. Mix that in with the fact that I am a pessimistic bastard harboring a healthy distrust for politicians in general and now you understand my mindset. I am hopeful the Democrats will do the right thing for the next four years. If not, I look forward to waiting in line for toilet paper and vodka with all of you.

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Obama Jesus Gear, Part II

Cafe Press and I have worked out our differences and are friends again (I am sorry I had sex with your sister, Cafe Press. Really I am). Apparently, my Obama Jesus design too closely resembled that of a copyrighted illustration and Cafe Press, rather than getting slapped with a lawsuit from an angry liberal artist that believes supply side economics are the devil, flagged it and pulled it down. Being the insufferable bastard that I am, I took another stab at the Obama Jesus illustration and think the end result is even more awesome than before.

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