The first few weeks of parenthood have been rife with happiness, urine, poop and sleep in three hour clips. The boy is still getting the day/night schedule figured out so I am getting used to working at four in the morning while he squirms about and makes cute little noises. The wife has it far worse as she is the food source and usually the one waking up at all hours to nurse. Women really get the shitty end of the deal in nature. Menstruation? Check. Squeezing a living human out of your vagina? Check. On call for the first year (or first six years if you are a perverted fruitcake) to suckle said living human? Check. Then here I am, Sperms McGee. Just the male actor in a straight porn movie. The prop. “Stand over there with your penis and do not say anything stupid. We will call you when we are ready.”
State Of Broz: Philosophical Musings
This past year has been rife with big happenings including planting a spawn in my wife’s womb and career upheaval. My mentor once said, “The best way to learn on how not to do things is by being around people who consistently fail and learning from their mistakes.” My former mentor was once fired from a job for looking at porn on his work computer, but that is neither here nor there. The point is he is right. I have a solid understanding on what not to do professionally provided by a bevy of past employers. I have great examples of unsuccessful parenting skills thanks to former friends and coworkers (i.e. buying your kids beer only if they “drink it at the house” does not keep them “safe”). I am hopeful I have learned enough from these bad examples to forge onward and do the right thing. If I have not learned enough, I look forward to an illustrious career as a bartender and snorting cocaine with my kids.
Link Goodness
- For those with an aversion to evacuating their bowels in the in the woods, I present you the shit box.
- I like it when my pay-per-view smut is uncomplicated. This digital cable menu reminds me of my trip to Vegas when Wil and EZ were going through the Spank Vision listings. We stopped giggling like middle school girls huffing ether when we landed the she-male feature With or Without.
- It has to be tough living in Alex P. Keaton’s shadow and all, but damn Andy, settle the fuck down. I long for the day when my friend working in the Boulder County DOC splits Andy Keaton’s skull with a nightstick for getting “mouthy” in lock up.
The Women Of Ubiquity
The Women of Starbucks I supported because we all have a barista in our lives that make our mornings bearable with a cute smile and fantastic breasts. The Women of Enron I rallied behind because Enron screwed a lot of its employees out of their retirement savings and, hey; nude business chicks! The Women of Home Depot I half-heartedly accepted as I once saw a semi-attractive female working in the lumber department at my neighborhood store and I may have been interested in seeing her naked if liquored up properly and nothing good was on television. The Women of Olive Garden I cannot and will not get behind due to the fact I have never seen an attractive female employee in my limited experience with the chain. An overweight, single mother with bad hair and a marinara-stained shirt maybe.
Link Goodness
- George Clooney is a bitch. All the deviants on my Thursday night ice hockey team judged me a few weeks ago for not having seen Two Girls And 1 Cup. So I gave into peer pressure and watched the scat sickness unfold before me. I am convinced the two girls were eating chocolate soft serve ice cream and not engaging in actual corpophilia. I need footage of the poop in question being shat into the cup, not the cup going off camera and than magically re-entering the frame filled with poop. Who are you judging now, Thursday night ice hockey team?
- In California, science dorks are getting their panties in a twist over the first substantiated wolverine sighting since the 1920s. Yee-haw! It is a large, ferocious weasel!
- Erotic Falconry is a great idea with poor execution (Read: birds of prey Photshopped into pictures of hot chicks). I was expecting topless shots of hot chicks with falconers gloves and assorted raptors affixed to them. I guess my standards are just too high. You disappoint me yet again, internet.
Pants-Free No More
The working from home experiment officially ends on April 24 as I have accepted an Art Director position for a consulting firm in downtown Denver for a ridiculous amount of money. I learned many things during the home office endeavor:
- When not physically interacting with society on a regular basis I will not change my shorts until I squat down to pick something up and smell the essence of my own ass.
- When not physically interacting with society on a regular basis I will not shower until I squat down to pick something up and smell the essence of my own ass.
- When Divorce Court is on I will not turn it off. Preach on, Judge Toler. Preach on.
- There are times in life when porn is your enemy.
- I do not hate society as much as once initially thought.
- Conference calls are just as worthless as face to face meetings.
- Clients cannot tell when you are calling them from the bathroom.
- Clients cannot tell when you are surfing your RSS feeds instead of taking notes.
- Clients will not take you seriously if your “team” consists of anyone from India or the Philippines.
- Total hours (per week) put in at an office job during a normal work week: 42. Total hours (per week) put in at a home office job during a normal work week: 55.
- Working from home is a lot like bedding a really hot girl and then finding out that she is a lousy lay; at first you cannot believe its happening to you and then you realize its just a means to an end.
Porno For Winos
Critically acclaimed adult film star Savanna Samson wine. Her wine making business is the result of wanting to do something that her parents could be proud of because filmed double penetration and homo-erotic baby oil massages was not enough.
John Ashcroft Hates Me, Skinemax
The United States Justice Department is waging a war on pornography. The campaign is being led by the killjoy John Ashcroft, a devoutly religious man who does not drink alcohol or caffeine, smoke, gamble, dance, have sex past ten on a school night and lost the 2000 Missouri Senate election to a dead guy. If my Skinemax goes away there will be hell to pay. There is nothing more soothing to a tortured soul than some Black Tie Nights or Hotel Erotica.
Barbecue For Hitler
Hate rock, Hammer skins, swastikas and some white power barbecue. The journalists who wrote this story objectively approached the subject matter and allowed the hate mongers mentioned to shine through as the collective morons they are. Case and point: Richard Butler, the oldest leader of the white power movement. He is dating a former porn star known as the Latin Princess who had sex with women, black men and the most infamous Jew in porn, Ron Jeremy during her cinematic career. It makes me smile to know that the Hedgehog stuck his hairy, sweaty circumsized penis into some Neo-Nazi’s woman.
Freedom Is A Good Fuck Picture
The sweet winds of freedom blew into a liberated Baghdad months ago. After years of repression under a brutal regime, the Iraqi people celebrated in the streets, tearing down statues of their fallen dictator. Now, the country’s infrastructure is destroyed, a weakened puppet government friendly to western economic interests is firmly in place and Muslim factions are erupting into civil war across the country. In short, a democratic Iraq is in fucking shambles but at least they have Iraqi porn.