Door To Door Salvation

I have a problem with Jehovah’s Witnesses. It stems from the fact that they like to pound on my door early on Saturday mornings. One particular Saturday these Restorationist pricks came a-knocking. I awoke from deep slumber, threw on a pair of boxer shorts, stumbled down the stairs and opened the door. Before me stood two brainwashed youngsters spouting off at the cake chute about Jesus. Politely I informed them of no soliciting ordinance that governs the town home complex. They responded by telling me they obey the law of God and not the law of man. I was tempted to deconstruct the entire history of human law all the way back to the Code of Hammurabi, but I was tired so I slammed the door on their Jehovah-loving faces instead. My lady lives in the same town home complex and gets the door-to-door action, pamphlets and letters. I read one of their pamphlets; it was a detailed dissertation about the evils of pornography. Jehovah’s Witnesses think pornography is bad. You see what I am saying? They are completely out of touch. Unfortunately, according to this, their tribe in increasing.

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Orgasmatron 1, Humans 0

A pervert electrocutes himself with a homemade masturbation device. The device he called the ‘Orgasmatron‘ included a vibrating mat, massage pads and electrodes that attached to the genitals. I do not understand men that use elaborate methods to release the poisons. To the men reading this that harbor grandiose masturbatory plans, I urge you to follow this simple, three-step process:

  1. Acquire lubricant (optional).
  2. Acquire tissue, toilet paper, used sweat sock or other preferred “clean up” method.
  3. Obtain access to pornography via the internet, television or in printed form. If access to to pornography is unavailable, try the soap operas on Telemundo or reruns of Charmed.
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Contraband Panties

Thieves ganked five thousand dollars worth of panties at their local Victoria’s Secret. I like to imagine that five hot college coeds masterminded a plan to boost the panties because they were unable to afford them and then proceeded to put the stolen panties on back at their sorority house leading to an outrageous pillow fight that lowered their inhibitions and caused them to engage in lesbianism. In reality, a disgusting sex offender with bad acne and syphilis probably stole the panties so he could rub them on his face while he masturbated to videos of donkey porn.

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Fatty Fatty Gang Bang

As if the idea of a gang bang was not disgusting enough, the porn industry has defiled Western Civilization even further with the filming of a heavyweight gang bang. The concept: men weighing over three hundred pounds will hop on top of a porn queen and do their fat, sweaty business. If I wanted to see a bunch of perspiring pigs getting their rocks off, I would wait in line for the early bird special at Country Buffet.

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Nude Female Gymnastics

There are not many things I could love more than nude female gymnastics. I would probably love a 24-hour soft core porn television network, a reclining toilet seat and a lifetime supply of steak more, but nude female gymnastics is definitely on the top of list. Then again, nude female figure skating would be more awesome. Those ladies are less butch. Michelle Kwan and Katerina Witt doing a bare-assed Triple Lutz? Yes, please.

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Jewels From The Orient

In Asia, men are surgically implanting pearls in their cocks (known as Pearling), nut vendors are dressed like cheap whores and the Japanese are developing a perfect toilet. A glimpse into Asian culture is sometimes more bizarre than tripping acid at a Stryper concert. Take Asian porn for example. Imagine a woman seated in the middle of a room. Surrounding her are numerous naked men, masturbating like circus monkeys. When they are ready to unleash the dogs of war they use her body as a landing pad. This is called bukkake, and these videos are wildly popular in Southeast Asia (if you want a bukkake link, tough shit. The MB does not promote circle jerks unless we are talking about the punk band). My coworker Greg said it best: “If I did not have a girlfriend and a healthy fear of diseases, Southeast Asia would be a lot of fun.”

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Nudie Magazine Day Is Magical

I love it when it is nudie magazine day because awaiting in my mailbox will be the newest issue of Playboy. I jump around like a little kid tuned up on pure cane sugar. This month the Girls Of The Big XII appear naked. Not all the Girls Of The Big XII, mind you, just the really hot and slutty ones. A Baylor fraternity house is in trouble for appearing in said issue. From the keep you mouth shut and just take your shirt off category one of the models had this to say about the Christian folk who reprimanded the them: “I’m a Christian myself and I don’t believe anyone should impose any beliefs on another person.” I think it is safe to say she is not majoring in World History.

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Survivor Island Erotica

I tuned into the first season of Survivor continually hoping it would go the way of Lord Of The Flies and contestants would kill the fat pasty guy and dance around a giant pigs head on a stick but alas, it was not to be. Network executives took the success of that show and saturated the viewing public with three more forgettable installments. The fifth season is set to kick off this September and with fledging ratings, this guy is bound to attract the viewers of his late night work on Skinemax.

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