Clown Girl

A bulleted list on what bothers me about this link:

  • A clown can be sexually arousing.
  • An advertising professional going by the nickname Kazoo.
  • Den Fujita, the first McDonald’s Japan president, waxing on diet and skin color: “The reason Japanese people are so short and have yellow skins is because they have eaten nothing but fish and rice for 2000 years. If we eat McDonald’s hamburgers and potatoes for a thousand years we will become taller, our skin become white and our hair blond.”

I have just three words for McDonald’s Japan: Giant McSquid Sandwich.

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Link Goodness

  • For those who want to go John Conner ala Terminator 3 and live off the grid, here is a step-by-step guide on how to disappear in America without a trace.
  • Horror stories from the piercing industry. Be sure to have fully digested your lunch.
  • I can now say that I have seen a tiger and a lion getting it on.
  • Satire meets reality. The former link is my second favorite Onion article next to this.
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Link Goodness

  • I was always under the impression that the worst mistake in the human race was Courtney Love. According to author Jared Diamond, it is the adoption of agriculture.
  • Fishermen in northern Thailand have caught the biggest catfish on record; a 646-pound monster. This story would have been more amazing if they noodled the son of a bitch.
  • A man was discovered in a tank under a women’s toilet filled with human waste peeping up at the girls doing their business. That is what I call a serious commitment to your wank.
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Gay Penguins, Part II

The six gay penguins have shown no interest in their new female companions and remained faithful to each other. The zoo will now fly in fundamentalist Christian penguins to get the sexually deviant male penguins to repent, reproduce, and then live in an emotionally distant and sexless marriage with their female companions while engaging in some hot gay action on the side.

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Gay Penguins

A zoo is flying in female penguins to tempt its male gay penguins to go straight. I give it a month before the female penguins turn into overweight fag-hags and swoon when the homosexual males chirp to them in their penguin tongue, “Girl, you are too good for him.”

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QWERTY Architeuthis

Jake: Giant squids.
Me: The giant squids are taking over.
Jake: Yes. I have long thought that tentacles were the only things that might trump thumbs.
Me: Regardless, we still have the larger brain.
Jake: Yeah. But you give the same brain to a species with thumbs and to a species with tentacles and the tentacles just might be more useful than thumbs.
Me: Agreed. Squids could definitely hold more weapons with their tentacles. This is assuming of course, that they become amphibious, run aground and grow giant brains.
Jake: Right. I mean, they could spread just one tentacle over an entire keyboard. In order to compete with that, we would have to type with our fingers, wrist and elbow.
Me: Can they control sectional elements of their tentacles? Like in the instance of typing?
Jake: I think so. A tentacle is not sectional though. I think it is just a big bunch of muscle.
Me: So they cannot type?
Jake: I think they could.
Me: I am not sure. I am going to need to see a cross section of a tentacle in order to determine.
Jake: Here you go.
Me: That settles it. The squids can type.

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Alien Vinyl

The NASA Voyager missions were launched in the late 1970s. The unmanned spacecrafts are now on the edge of the solar system and are the most distant human-made objects in the universe. Voyager I carries a golden record and record player with greetings and information about Earth for extraterrestrials. Voyager II also maintains the awe and splendor of late 1970s technology, being equipped with a golden 8-track tape deck and a golden rotary dial telephone with cord.

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Pachyderm Snipping

The worst job I ever had was slinging furniture and boxes for a moving company in the dead of summer. The work was hot and shitty and the majority of my coworkers were drug addicts. Two guys actually smoked meth in the morning before their shift and called it coffee. It could have been worse, I suppose. At least I have no experience with elephant vasectomy.

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