Gay Joe: This seem fair to me.
Me: I love that picture. A whore alone in a tunnel.
Gay Joe: It is like a fractal; a tunnel inside of a tunnel.
Me: Both are hollow inside.
Gay Joe: Both are sordid and smell of urine.
Me: Both are easily entered and exited.
Gay Joe: Nice.
Me: Still on for tacos this week?
Gay Joe: Totally.
The first trimester has been a breeze for me thus far. The wife on the other hand, has been experiencing severe exhaustion, hormonal mood swings, headaches, that hungover morning feeling minus the enjoyment of a night consuming numerous gin and tonics and ravenous hunger. Non-pregnant wife has always been a small eater, happily subsisting for weeks on nothing but ice chips and lettuce. Pregnant wife on the other hand, can put away the grub. Thus far her predominant pregnancy craving has been tacos. We actually rolled to Taco Bell late one night because “Momma had a hankerin'” (the wife last made a Run For The Border during her junior year of college a decade ago). Last week after our first doctor’s appointment, we spent over $30 dollars at Little Anitas on just tacos. I pride myself on my taco consumption and plan on matching the pregnant wife’s totals anytime she sends me to an area taco stand during the wee hours of the morning. This is a sacrifice I am willing to make on behalf of my unborn child. I think this is the definition of unconditional love.
There is no better way to celebrate my birthday than by reading my favorite type of story; a big fat slob being extricated from his house by way of cutting through the side of it. In just a few short hours my coworkers will be treating me to a sloppy plate of birthday tacos. Later this evening the wife will be making me a birthday dinner of “whatever my little heart desires.” My little heart happens to desire pancakes, pumpkin pie and a glass of scotch. Here is hoping my thirty second year that will bring happiness, prosperity and employment stability. This tax season I am going to have more W-2s than a contract porn actor.
My new year started the exact same way my past six did; I was intoxicated, somebody passed me a glass, glasses or bottle of cheap champagne and somebody in my general vicinity kissed my face. My job has kept me busier than your mother in a roomful of horny sailors waving one-dollar bills and cucumbers. I usually come home from work burned out. I just want to eat a plate of tacos, play a few games of NHL 2002, watch some smut and then go upstairs to bed and fall asleep without incident.