Obama Addresses West Point

Last night I actually watched the presidential address. It was not my fault. No decent hockey games were on, our DVR was empty and Jeopardy was not showing due to the speech. I will take “Apathetic American” for $400, Alex. Obama is a great orator. He is take your panties off smooth. I am so used to Bush tripping over words and fumbling around at the podium for the past eight years that it is refreshing. My love for Obama ends there, however. Aside from appreciating the historical context of his presidency, I think Obama is all spectacle, no substance. Case and point the public relations sweetness of giving a military-themed speech at West Point. Here is my rundown of what Obama said last night:

We are pulling out of Iraq and re-mobilizing to Afghanistan. This should excite you as I have talked with generals and advisers who told me this what we need to do. Here is an exact date of when I will bring home the troops. Yes, I think war is timed like a football game and America just entered the fourth quarter. Go Bears! Here is a comparison of me to FDR. Please ignore the irony that New Deal programs failed miserably and/or saddled future generations of Americans with the burden of contributing to programs that will go bankrupt in their lifetime (Social Security). Something about liberty. We like Muslims now. Support your troops. It is all Bush’s fault.

Who needs a drink? And some Obama Jesus gear? And some Hope Is Fading Fast gear?

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Link Goodness

  • Sarah Palin is MILF-tastic. I could care less about her politics or shitting developmentally disabled babies out of her old dried-up uterus when she has that slutty soccer mom thing working for her.
  • Foreign policy lessons for America from the Byzantine Empire. Very Art of War with guerrilla warfare sprinkles on top. I agree with most of these points, however, the United States has the tremendous advantage of geographic isolation which the Byzantine Empire did not. This means we can wage wars on six continents with a slim a chance of the conflicts spilling over into the Motherland. So unless we drop bombs on Canada or Mexico, I am guessing Americans will flourish historically a lot longer than the Byzantines.
  • The more I see of Ice-T’s wife Coco, the happier with him as a person I become. Continue to Peel Their Caps Back, good sir.
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Link Goodness

  • Timberlake absolutely killed Saturday Night Live over the weekend. I am loving the Color Me Badd personas he and Samberg take on. Acid-washed jeans? Christ.
  • The Denver Nuggets have been rolling through the first two rounds of the NBA playoffs. The main reason? Homegrown talent Chauncey Billups. I remember watching Chauncey eat my high school alive in the state basketball tournament back in ’94. If the Nugs win it all, there is no player more deserving of MVP honors.
  • Rwanda, fifteen years after the genocide. The new government granted Get Out Of Jail Free Cards to most participants of the single largest mass murder in African history.
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2008 Presidential Race Diarrhea

With Hillary either conceding this weekend or waiting for an Obama assassination attempt, it looks like the impending presidential election will feature John McCain (R) against Barack Obama (D) and some third party hacks that are not relevant because they did not have enough money to run a competitive presidential campaign. As a declared independent, I find myself smack dab in the middle of the two major parties on most of the relevant political issues. I like to pay as little taxes as possible. I support gun ownership. I support re-separating the church from the state. I am fine with legal immigrants speaking Spanish, stealing jobs and paying taxes on their income. I am fine with women having the choice to kill their unborn children. I believe that global warming has little to do with human influence and is just a natural part of Earth’s climate cycle. And lastly, I support establishing a democratic regime in Iraq that is friendly to United States economic interests. Blood for oil? Goddamn right. Spill more blood for oil, I say. Oil is freedom. Oil is the American way. It fuels vehicles, planes, truck fleets and riding lawnmowers. It brings food, living supplies, mobility and convenience to my doorstep. Why would I not want to protect that? Fight the good fight, troops. What ever peace mongering hippy yells “No Blood For Oil” at you is probably driving a Subaru Outback (which gets 20 miles to the gallon), shopping at Whole Foods (which gets their inventory transported in by long haul truckers getting 11 miles to the gallon), supports feeding the homeless (yet lives in a community with anti-panhandling laws) and complains about lackluster education (yet home schools their children or sends them to private institutions) should be dutifully ignored. So who do I vote for? An old war dog that wants to get his work down by the early afternoon so he can catch a quick nap before the early bird at the Sizzler? Or a slick, youthful, used car salesman that never really offers me a viable solution to any problem? Mix in everything I just posted with the fact that I have an intense distrust for politicians and government and here I am. Let the games begin!

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Link Goodness

  • Tips on managing Millennials (or as I like to call them “The Participation Ribbon Generation“). Not willing to make routine sacrifices, cannot handle criticism well and take things too seriously, you say? I am guessing it had something to do with an entire generation being raised with a sense of entitlement, hyper-sensitivity and not being allowed to fail. Guess we should have kept score at their Little League games after all.
  • The perfect Valentine’s Day gift: Afghani War Rugs! Now available in the new, delicious 9/11 Flavor!
  • Roger Clemens throws his wife under the bus to protect what is left of his sterling professional baseball reputation. Well played, Mr. I Did Not Use HGH But My Bitch Wife Did.
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An Unemployed Artist’s Browser History

  • The sex trade is booming in post-Katrina New Orleans.
  • Face tattoos are the mark of the unstable, drug addicts, idiots or criminals that have nothing good to offer society. I present you Exhibit A.
  • Patricia Arquette spilling out of assorted items of dress.
  • Wikipedia for the Battle of the Trebia, the first major battle of the Second Punic War.
  • A teacher who worked in the public school system for two decades after she was caught kissing and groping a 13 year-old student at an middle school dance, became pregnant by a sophomore in high school who she married upon his graduation in 1985 and invited her teenage son’s 15 year-old friend to move in with her and then seduced him.
  • Map of US Fatalities in Iraq (by home of record).
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9/11 In Retrospect

Five years ago I was merging onto the Boulder turnpike on my way into work when a news report came over the radio that a plane had crashed into the World Trade Center. The previous day, I was a pallbearer at my grandfather’s funeral. By the time I walked into the office, both towers were toppled, the Pentagon was hit and “heroes” had taken over a flight bound for the White House and crashed it into rural Pennsylvania (another likely scenario is the plane was shot down by F-16s with cruise missiles and the hero story was disseminated to various media outlets to cover the Air Force’s collective asses). My employer sent us all home shortly thereafter, as the tragedy became too overwhelming for anyone to focus on work. My parents called to check on my mental well-being and maybe just to hear a familiar voice. I spent the rest of the day as I imagine most other Americans did; dumbfounded, sad, angry, confused, emotionally drained and awash in bourbon. The months that followed the tragedy were a sickening whirlwind of paranoia, conspiracy and jingoism. The dust settled from the towers and the Bush Administration subverted democracy (or the illusion of democracy) for American’s “safety.” Left wing patriotic zealots clashed with right wing patriotic zealots and the brief moment of “togetherness” Americans felt was dashed away. Hatred and intolerance for Muslims boiled over. A military campaign to capture Osama Bin Laden was sent into Afghanistan and as of yet has not been successful. A war in Iraq was started under false pretenses. Those opposed to government policy were labeled “un-patriotic.” Americans remain dependent on oil and the hard-line theocratic regimes that export oil. American soldiers are dying for an administration that does not seem care about them. What have Americans learned from the September 11 attacks? Difficult times reveal a leader’s character or expose their character flaws? A selfish culture focused on money, possession and triviality is understandably not accepted and even hated by some? The September 11 attacks were a horrific tragedy, and no matter how many memorials we construct, how many we kill in the name of retribution and how many laws are passed “ensuring” our safety, it seems evident to me that we have not learned a goddamn thing.

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MB Neglect

I apologize for my neglect of the MB lately as work has kept me busier than your mom after inhaling Poppers at an anal sex convention. I have been catching up after three weeks of ruining my life and the subsequent celebration of ruining my life in a third world country. On with today’s link goodness:

  • Graphic representation in the form of nationalistic coffins of the mounting death toll in the Israel-Lebanon conflict (updated daily).
  • An open letter to a mental case into mini-fridges.
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Job Vomit

I am in the midst of contemplating some major career decisions. These past six months have been the worst of my professional life and that includes my first year out of college when I was laid off twice and commuting fifty miles daily in a car with no air conditioning. Needless to say, I have been sending out resumes with the subtlety of a self-immolating Buddhist monk. I have started a morning ritual of meditating in my car before I go into the office to put myself in the right frame of mind. The ritual goes as such: I take a deep breath and think about starving children in Africa whose villages are torn apart by famine, disease and death. I take a deep breath and think about young female amputees scared for life by land mines and the memories of having sex with zealot soldiers consumed with hate just to survive a civil war. I take a deep breath and think about heroin addicts living on the streets who were born into unloving, drug infested homes where they were physically, sexually and mentally abused. Then I call myself a pussy, put my experience in perspective, sack up and go into the office dreaming of the day when I will finally get rid of that fucking car without air conditioning. Recent developments have me hopeful this will happen very soon. Now on to more important things; like Eastern European broads wrestling in their panties. I could watch those videos for hours.

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