Corey Feldman Does Not Cut The Meat Loaf

Me: Cory Feldman is itching to be in a rock opera.
Monica: When all else fails, try the rock opera.
Me:I got news for Corey Feldman. There is only one man that can pull of the rock opera and his name is Meat Loaf.
Monica: Well, you cannot blame him for trying.
Me: Oh yes I can. A rock opera is nothing to be trifled with. It takes equal parts falsetto voice, sequined jumpsuits, frilly man-blouses and rhinestone unitards.
Monica: And Corey Feldman does not fit that bill?
Me: No, my friend. He most certainly does not.
Monica: Certainly you jest, but did you see his frilly attire on the Surreal Life while getting hitched?
Me: No.
Monica: He wore a pirate shirt and man tights, Matty.
Me: Interesting.
Monica: Now, I realize you cannot fuck with the rock opera formula. I am just saying, for a fancy boy, Feldman fits the bill.
Me: You may have swayed me. One thing troubles me, however; can Feldman sing?
Monica: Does it matter?
Me: That settles it then. The time is nigh to write a rock opera for Corey Feldman. I will call it A Celebration of Corey. It will be the story of his life set to musical score: his childhood, Stand By Me (accompanied by a tear-jerking on-stage reunion with Wil Wheaton), his days on smack, The Lost Boys, the suppressed memories of Jacko molesting him, his marriage to stalkers and then, for the grand finale we will call Corey Oblivion, a duet with Mr. Corey Haim.
Monica: Yes!
Me: Now all I have to do is learn how write a music.

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