Death Rides A Pale Horse

Yesterday I was called into the CEO’s office and was introduced to the Angel of Death (the Corporate HR Manager) and asked to sit down. I was informed that my position was being eliminated in a “10% workforce reduction.” We then went over my severance information, COBRA benefits, standard employment reduction fare and I agreed to not take a flamethrower to the place. I was then escorted back to my cubicle to gather some personal effects. I felt an overwhelming sense of relief as I exited the building and proceeded to drive off for an expensive cup of gourmet coffee that tasted like dried Orangutan ass. I dialed up the wife, the parents, and a few of my “former” coworkers to tell them the news. I made it no secret that I was unsatisfied with the company and had been sending resumes off for sometime now. During five and half years I languished under the direction of multiple bosses, the workload of two designers, a culture shift from a tight-knit family towards a huge, worldwide mega-corporation, watched as good people with great ideas quit or got vilified and bad people with political agendas took over and unaffordable consultants shuffled in and out the door telling us what we already knew. I was blessed to work with some of the most awesome and genuine people I have ever known. A more complete collection of perverts, jackasses and alcoholics I have yet to come across and doubt I ever will again. I appreciate the excellent camaraderie (some days it was all that kept me going), the friendships that will endure long after the company closes its doors and the near uprising that was launched when my crew first learned of my fate. I wish those other unfortunate 10% well as their severance packages were not as healthy as mine and more akin to a smack in the face with a ballpene hammer. Where do I go from here? I have no clue. I plan on doing a lot of soul-searching, painting, reading, job hunting and reveling in the fact that I do not have to work at that fucking place anymore.

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  1. freedom, freedom, …whoa freedom
    -aretha franklin

    i am happy and sad for you. the loss of a job, even one that you hate, can lead to a feeling of detachment and grief.

    i hope you get to do the things that you want to do now.

    good luck.

  2. It sucks the way the whole thing went down. It was disrespectful to the company to lay people off in the manner that it occured.

    Moreover, the sheer idiocy required to lay off the one person doing your job cannot be fathomed by myself. It is akin to someone explaining how they can turn their body inside out – I can’t even put my brain into a position to begin to comprehend it.

    All of that being said, congrats on getting out of this place. You’ll move on to bigger and better things as this place drives itself the rest of the way into the ground.

  3. HOLY SHIT!!! I’m shocked but not surprised.

    Having gone through the same exercise with my previous company, I kinda expected the ethnic cleansing, about this time of year.

    I wish you the best! You don’t need to know that you are bright, talented, an asshole, quick witted, and a highly employable human. You’ll find a better place, but you will never find the excellent collection of people.

    I’m done sucking your dick. Now, turn off Oprah, get off the couch, and pay taxes so that my paycheck doesn’t bounce…BITCH!!!

  4. Awwww, you commenters sure know how to make a guy feel special. Thanks. You’ll be getting an email in three months when I need money to turn the lights back on.

  5. You know my bitterness and anger toward the situation, and that does not need to be rehashed.
    That being said, I am a little jealous that you get a 3 month paid vacation to job search (which you were doing anyways).

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