I Dominate Human Birth Canals

About a month and half ago, the wife decided to get off birth control to, “See what happens?” Three weeks later, the wife excitedly woke me up by waving a positive pregnancy test in my face. My immediate response was, “Did you just pee on that?” I spent the rest of the day like I think most men do upon finding out their woman is with child; praising my sperm and a youth spent rubbering up and then planning all the chores my child will perform once it is potty-trained. For the past few weeks I have been running the gamut of emotions; happiness, excitement and the crippling fear that I will soon be responsible for another human life. Later today we have our first doctor’s appointment where a man twice my age will familiarize himself with my wife’s lady parts while I watch helplessly. Operation Baby Thunder and nine months of a personal designated driver has officially begun!

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  1. I think the Punk Rocks concert last week and the loudness of NOFX, Bouncing Souls and Mighty Mighty Bosstones should cover the brainwashing of our fetus for at least 2 months.

  2. CONGRATS!!! Hey, you’re only 18 wks behind my wife. The real shock will settle in when you get the first sonogram and you see the thing move. Today, we had an ultrasound, and that shit was freaky, exciting, and sobering. Bonne chance!

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