My hockey team, the Slashing Hyenas, skated to a 3-2 victory on Sunday and first ever playoff win. I had a goal and assist in the effort. We now advance to the semifinals, and are just a breath away from the championship.

The NHL Playoffs will begin in just a few short hours. My beloved Colorado Avalanche will be playing the LA Kings in round one. The Kings and their fans are worthless sacks of shit that should be dipped in hot oil and crucified upside down. If you are a hockey fan, you know that King fans boo former hometown defensive specialist Rob Blake every time he touches the puck. Last year King fans threatened his wife and children sitting in the stands during the Avs-Kings series. No doubt these slimy fucks will behave in the same manner through out this clash. Did Rob Blake leave LA on bad terms you ask? No. Rob Blake’s only crime was being traded to the Avalanche. Fucking California. I hope you fall off into the ocean so you can quit stealing Colorado’s water.

Do me a favor and tell my young friend Mark to stop listening to Vanilla Ice. Vanilla Ice is not good enough to suck the sweat off of a donkey’s balls. Even with a Jimmy Pop Ali (Bloodhound Gang) cameo, his new album is still miserable. Aside from Vanilla making a mockery of music in general, he got his ass kicked by Todd “Willis” Bridges on national television. Mark, you are better than this. I do not care how you got the album, whether you purchased it, stole it or ripped it off some mp3 pirate website; get rid of it right now. Remember, I am only doing this because I love you.