Last night, I drank $2 Coors products with my Fantasy Football compatriots at a local watering hole. Humorous events unfolded. Here are some highlights from the evening:
- I mention to Tyler, the David Blaine lover, that the British were planning a flash-mob event underneath his stunt over the Thames. I proclaim that Blaine is just a poor man’s Harry Houdini. Tyler proclaims, “Fuck you and the limeys,” and begins a staunch defense of the man he no doubt wants to experience sexual intercourse with. Just like every other Monday night, the entire table ridicules Tyler immediately after he opens his mouth.
- The bar has televisions displaying numerous sporting events. Last night, Monday Night Football, game four of the ALCS and WWE Raw were on simultaneously. At one point during WWE action, Stone Cold Steve Austin offers his wrestling rival’s old lady a beer. She refuses said beer. Stone Cold persists. She finally sips the beer and it disgusts her. Upset by the turn of events, Stone Cold grabs her by the nape of the neck and power bombs her tee-totaling ass to the canvas. A great lesson can be learned from this and that is if your bitch does not like beer, than you should power bomb her.
- Conversation turns to Denver Bronco running back Clinton Portis. Wife of CH cracks off a slew of comments about the man. He is an idiot. She saw him at a bar once and he ordered a glass of White Zinfandel. She delivers the big funny when she utters, “His goatee looks like a goddamn pussy on his face.” (Wife of CH is a master of random comments. She once said of identical twin NFL athletes Tiki and Ronde Barber: “Tiki is more attractive because he has caramel skin.” During a Monday Night game between Denver and St. Louis (and after drinking an excessive amount of wine) she called Kurt Warner’s wife, “A fucking dyke” and summed up the pathetic Denver Bronco defensive performance with the simple comment, “Bitches”).