One Foot In The Grave

This morning in the break room one of my 23 year-old coworkers was wearing a Catch 22 shirt. I remarked how I loved the book and her eyes got glassy like she just bonged a box of Franzia. She than sighed and said in the most demeaning tone, “Catch 22 is a band, Matt.” So now I am off to walk the mall in beige Velcro shoes, hit the early bird at the Sizzler and then fall asleep in the easy chair before dusk watching reruns of Matlock.

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  1. Smooth, mack daddy. Hey aren’t you supposed to wait a year or so before you start stchtuping the chunky 20 year old office frump? Sure, her peers don’t see her as attractive, but her pendulous boobs and decent waist is a bonanza to you because you are now regretting not sleeping around more in college. I bet she was wearing a “Catch-22” Baby-T- her youthful lips are still looking good, but of course mother nature, Ben and Jerry and gravity haven’t started the inevitable tug on her ass and gut. By the time she’s moved into her mid to late 20’s and the bulging starts to get more noticeable, you’ll have moved onto the plucky Scottish Au Pair that Jen insisted on getting because you just can’t stop putting babies inside her. What is so threatening about a few stretch marks and few facial lines to you, Matt? You know you aren’t exactly going to be modeling for Bally’s anytime soon. It’s really too damn easy to flash a nice watch and pay for lunch to impress some poor thing who doesn’t know what she wants out of life. Of course you offer some stability that guys her age don’t possess, but that’s more of a product of the streamlined machine you’ve crafted over the years. Brilliant, Matt- you’ve demonstrated some vulnerability now, I can hear her talking to her gaggle of friends at the local mall Starbucks “Oh he’s so cute, he’s kind of clueless, but in a sweet way. I know he’s totally married and whatever…” be sure to catch up to her in a few days and make some silly comment about how nice her new hairstyle looks. Did you just see her blush? Easy pray, ain’t it Brozovich? She’ll be giving up some head in the unisex bathroom in no time- and you will be another step closer to hair plugs, or a Corvette, or whatever brings you that elusive satisfaction you used to have when you weren’t actually making any coin. Oh yeah and Catch-22 actually suck pretty bad.

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