A pervert electrocutes himself with a homemade masturbation device. The device he called the ‘Orgasmatron‘ included a vibrating mat, massage pads and electrodes that attached to the genitals. I do not understand men that use elaborate methods to release the poisons. To the men reading this that harbor grandiose masturbatory plans, I urge you to follow this simple, three-step process:

1. Acquire lubricant (optional).
2. Acquire tissue, toilet paper, used sweat sock or other preferred “clean up” method.
3. Obtain access to pornography via the internet, television or in printed form. If access to to pornography is unavailable, try the soap operas on Telemundo or reruns of Charmed.