Scientology: Running On A Full Tank Of Crazy

Isaac Hayes apparently got jerked around by Scientology regarding the South Park incident. Scientology is difficult for me to comprehend on many levels because I have a firm grasp on reality and generally do not like my spiritual beliefs to read like a bad Fantastic Four comic*. From the Wiki entry on Scientology:

The story of Xenu, the galactic tyrant who first kidnapped certain individuals who were deemed “excess population” and loaded these individuals into space planes for transport to the site of extermination, the planet of Teegeeack (Earth). These space planes were said to have been copies of Douglas DC-8s, except with rocket engines. He then stacked hundreds of billions of these frozen victims around Earth’s volcanoes 75 million years ago before blowing them up with hydrogen bombs and brainwashing them with a “three-D, super colossal motion picture” for 36 days, telling them lies of what they are and what the universe should be like and telling them that they are 3 different things: ‘Jesus, God, and The Devil.’ The traumatized thetans subsequently clustered around human bodies because they watched the motion picture together, making them think they are all the same thing, in effect acting as invisible spiritual parasites known as “body thetans” that can only be removed using advanced Scientology techniques. Xenu is allegedly imprisoned in a mountain by a force field powered by an eternal battery. He is said to be still alive today.

I do not think I ever dated a girl crazier than that blurb and that is saying a lot.

* In college I was given the assignment to compare God with a fictional character that I believed most closely represented my view of a higher power. Most students compared the almighty to Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny whereas I chose the Fantastic Four character Galactus. I concluded the paper by stating Galactus was the best example of a deity because he ate planets to sustain his existence having no regard for the existence of the planet’s inhabitants and claimed he was above insignificant creatures morals and religions. If memory serves me correctly, I recall getting a B.

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  1. Anyone remember in Marvel Secret Wars when Galactus (who claims no allegiance to good or bad, just a thirst to devour planets) attempts to eat Battleworld itself. The heroes thwart his plan and he retreats to consume his own world and threaten the cosmos. Meanwhile, Dr. Doom defeats The Beyonder himslef and becomes the shit.

  2. Well Dork, you had me convinced of your geekiness up until the end. No self-respecting comic book nerd uses the term ‘the shit’. Fucking imposters.

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