Total Beverage Is Total Comedy

Yesterday I rolled into the local liquor superstore Total Beverage to replenish my depleted garage refrigerator beer stocks and keep the wife happy with a thumb-hole jug of Tanqueray and assorted flavors of tonic water. Total Beverage is a magical place where the end of the liquor rainbow meets with the weakness of humankind to form an alcohol purgatory where all stripes and strata of society are equal in the eyes of their liquid master. In the checkout line I witnessed the following things:

  • Two morbidly obese females getting their fake IDs confiscated by the manager.
  • An Eminem reject attempting to purchase two 40 ounces of Olde English and a carton of GPC Basic cigarettes only to realize that he did not have enough money to purchase said items. He eventually settled for one 40 ounce and one pack of smokes.
  • A frazzled store clerk having the following sarcastic exchange with an oblivious 8-Mile after he figured out his money situation:
    “Why are you guys so busy today?”
    “It’s Mother’s Day Weekend. Mom’s like to get down.”

Recommended Reading


  1. Check out TBev at about 10am on a Tuesday. Makes the Star Wars bar scene look tame.

    (and Im sure most of the readers will correct me and let me know the bars’ real name…thanks)

  2. I went in to TB at 3:00 on a friday and the employee (who was 5 years younger than I) threatened not to sell to me because he thought I was drunk. I think he was Mormon, I hadn’t had a sip all day. Such a freak show. But it is cheap, gotta love America.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *