Tron: Dork Masturbory Fodder

When I was in third grade, I wanted to be Tron. I wanted the neon suit, the electric throwing disc, the light cycle and the heroic feeling of killing Sark and shutting down the MCP. My dream nearly manifested itself at the local skating rink in 1984 when the Tron arcade game appeared one glorious afternoon. I fed quarters into that game like an elderly, chain smoking Asian woman in front of a progressive slot machine. Soon the initials S-E-X peppered the high score list and I became master of the multi-leveled tapestry that was arcade Tron. My Tron obsession ended in 1986 when I discovered girls and thereby avoided being a full-blown adult Tron geek and posting images of myself on the internet in a green unitard with a beer gut and prominent pressed ham.

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