Yew Can Suck Me

For those uninitiated with high plains landscaping, juniper bushes are abundant as they flourish in arid soil and spread faster than an STD on a college campus. My hatred for this vile shrub dates back to my high school years when I worked at a golf course and spent much of one summer removing throngs of this coniferous abortion. Upon purchasing our house, I knew that cutting up the overgrown junipers in our front yard would be imminent. This weekend, while the wife was playing in a softball tournament, I chainsawed one bush to the ground. The work was taxing and sweat poured from every orifice but it was also satisfying. The plan is to remove all the junipers in the next few weeks and plant more aesthetically pleasing and manageable shrubs in their place. 

Aside: I have yet to finalize a method for pulling the stumps/roots out of the ground. I have narrowed it down to three ways:

  1. The Firestarter Method. Pour kerosene/gasoline on the stumps. Wait three weeks until root dies. Remove.
  2. Granpappy’s String-To-Tooth-To-Door-And-Slam Method. Tie one end of chain around root base and the other end to a truck trailer hitch (truck must have four wheel drive). Accelerate and remove.
  3. Aquaman Method. Saturate root with water. Remove with pick axe.

Recommended Reading


    1. Buy many beers

      Invite fellow Sluhy Gutter contestants to house for College Football ’07 kickoff

      Hand the lazy bastards shovels and picks


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